Writings on the Wall...

I had written this post a while ago...it was left un-published in my long list of drafts... but it kept popping up in my mind. "Hello! I'm still here!" I would go back, read through it, and simply try to forget that the words still rang clear and true. And then yesterday, after reading another blogger's real, honest and open post about how much of a toll we take on ourselves when we hide behind a happy face when really we are crying and crumbling inside...A lightbulb began to flash! Her story spoke to my heart. There are others out there that feel this way... I'm not the only one! While the following words had poured out of me one evening months ago, I wouldn't allow myself to hit the "publish post" button. Nope. Not gonna happen. Time and time again I thought to myself, "just delete these crazy ramblings... What right do I have to complain?" And of course the ever popular, "if you post something like this, then everyone would know what you really feel like when you allow yourself to be real and honest."

Now that is a super scary thing... Everyone would know. Well...

Here goes nothing. *click!*

...At first, it seems like a dull ache. It's there, but is easily ignored. You are able to go about your usual routine, seemingly unaffected. This ache, which feeds upon being denied, grows into an ever present pulse. The attempt to push it down only makes it stronger. Ticking away inside your soul, it is the reminder that there is something off balance. And then it transforms yet again, into a torturing itch you just can't seem to reach. It is there...almost at your fingertips. Constantly antagonizing you. Taunting you. And finally you hit the boiling point. The pressure has been building and building for so long...you feel the pain radiating deep into every inch of you, but the calm before the storm continues to hide the havoc within. Like a volcano, which at first glance seems so picturesque on the outside. Strong and sturdy. A wonder of nature. But, eventually its violent contents can no longer be contained. How do you prepare for the lava? As well as the undeniable destruction that will inevitably follow...

Truth be told, this is how I feel within... There are so many battles being fought in my soul. Sometimes, I sort of feel like Lady Justice. You know her? She wears a blindfold, with her arm outstretched, holding a balancing scale... Too much weight on one side or the other, and she will topple. That's me. I am scrambling to find the proper balance of everything being piled on. Desperate to hold it all together before I topple over into a messy heap of chaos. I look at my family... My children...Our life...all those connected to us. I want so much to do the best for my children, always. But, how do we decide what is indeed best? Who has the authority to say what is right or wrong? Isn't that supposed to be me? Who gets to say "enough is enough", when you know and can feel that life isn't really being lived fully and happily? When does said happiness stop being cast aside and ignored? When do we decide to place some true value in our own existence? Shouldn't doing the best for my children be directly related to doing the best for myself?? *ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!*

Questions, questions, questions... It is so difficult to weed through the questions. Especially when there are those pesky feelings lingering in the shadows, eagerly waiting to pounce on you. You know, like, regret. Guilt. Anger. Fear. Frustration. Disappointment. Failure. Unfortunately those are the rulers of my mind. I admit fault, as I tend to be a people pleaser... a, "whatever you want is fine with me" type. Go with the flow. The one who doesn't value their own opinion enough to place it at the forefront. That's how I am. I hide behind a mask of indifference. I live it daily. I simply go through the motions...pretending to not be bothered by everything... because, of course, it could be worse. Right? But what kind of a way to live is that?? I struggle with this concept so much because, obviously I am actually aware that the way I choose to be isn't a very good thing. I see it. I know it. But, then I hear that other over-powering, persuading voice saying...

Don't rock the boat, Meg. Be strong. Steady. Be the Mom. The wife. Push down all the crap, put a fricken smile on and just laugh a little louder. Don't let anyone know or see what is going on behind that wall... Hold back the tears. You cannot let them see the fear... the heartache...the hurt.

It is easier to listen to that voice. Because actually doing something to change what has been the norm for years and years is hard. Really hard. Confusing. Frustrating. Foreign.

But what comes next?

The lava is seeping through the cracks as we speak... soon to fully erupt.

Is this a natural, primal instinct being provoked inside my heart and soul? Fight or flight? Do we "jump" and make some major changes? Will we fly or will we fall?? Hard to know. I guess if there is a real and honest attempt to do and be better, at least you can feel free of the pressure...the itch will be scratched. The pulse will calm. And the ache will subside...

or at least that's what I'm hoping for... because, of course, it really could be so much better...

Right??